Some days the thought of you have vanished. You completely gone and I feel ever better than before. But somehow some days, there is you lingering around to remind me that there were you before today. I have to go deeper in thoughts on how we end up together, the places we had been spending our time, all the smallest things like you caressed my hand while you are driving, or when you covered me with your sweater while I pretended to sleep. At this point, I just remember, the shirt you gave me is still hanging on my closet. And I can see it from my bed. If we are better together, we would be planning on our future, or maybe not. Your comfort is what I have been missing. I have to create a scenario in my head where you're comforting when I get sick. The fact I will be still wearing the clothes that I wore, going out with you. Or the road we took, it is sickening to my soul. And I miss the you that I first met, If we could begin again, I hope we could do it right, better you and better me. How painful it is not possible. 

The Tenth July

 I was making a poetry for Kodek's wedding, and wanted to get inspired from my poetry to him and read something like "...hoping you will be around on the next tenth July" and I cried. It has been 6 weeks or 2 months plus since he left, I really wish I could be better very soon. I've been missing him but I hope that will be the last piece of him I have left, thereafter, I will be over him and stop crying for missing him. Being in a relationship in your late 20s is hard and being left by someone you love in your late 20s is even harder. Kodek's wedding reminds me how much I wanted to marry him and be a mom. And reminds me of that night when we were in the parking lot, drink tealive and talked about marriage. Good days. I probably will never be lucky in love. I have too much to give people and I'm exploding. I rindu you 

Crushed

Today is the day that I miss you the most. Your smile, your warmth.. everything. I keep crying so hard since yesterday thinking about not being with you. I hope this is just my monthly hormonal issue. It feels so exhausting and I don't know talking this out to my friends can help me feel better. When we were celebrating Kodek's bachelorette party last week, they asked about you. I felt just right to tell them that we broke up and that shocked them so bad knowing how much I loved you. It really is exhausting. It was exhausting being with you and it is exhausting to not being with you. I feel crushed to my bone. Oh the worst part is I had a dream of having a son with you. Maybe that is the reason why I've missed you. The dream feels so real. I wish I had hugged you but hahaha how stupid was I. On Ika's birthday, we went around driving in Bukit Bintang, I suggested to go there. I must say that street reminds me of you. Every steps we took holding each other while walking around the street. It had been always my favourite to walk around with you. I loved it very much. I remember eating at places you brought me, the food was good but did not amazed me enough, but because I was with you, eating with you made me like it. This is soooo annoying to reminisce about. All I want to do is to let everything go and move with my life peacefully. Loving is hard, leaving is harder. 

Better me

One thing that I have learned from this previous relationship is knowing my self-worth. Being with him really opens up my eyes on what I am actually really need in a relationship, but age can be a contribute factor too. I learn a lot about attachment styles and my own attachment style. It's anxious attachment style. I want to mend it before I get to another relationship. I want to be secure and be with someone that is secure. I can't wait to get over this breakup and the day that I finally accept and ikhlas with everything, should be the day that I am becoming a better person for myself. 

This never been easy from the start

 This journey is not easy. I want it to be over now. This journey takes away my time, my energy, my soul, my heart and. I can't control it I can't do what I should do. I want this to be over. I want the day that I wake up every morning is peaceful enough without having thoughts of you. I wish no more song reminds me of you. I wish there is no day that I complete my day remembering you. 

It has been a month

Today marks one month that we broke up. Oh how I wish I had stopped thinking about how we should make it till today. But honestly, the way I handled my break up was better than the previous relationship. I still can eat and sleep and go to work without thinking much about it. I do cry sometimes. I accept the fact I still miss him sometimes and how things could be different or how things couldn't be changed. 

Separating with him has taught me what I actually need in a relationship. At this age, 28, I am hoping for a simple peaceful and healthy relationship. Being with someone that I can respect and appreciate. Being with someone who will not tolerate my mistakes and take it to heart and distance away because he is hurting. I'd like to be with someone that still appreciate my love to him. Fight a lot because things should be communicated and understood. 

Hakim wasn't at fault to not able to give me what I need and I wasn't at fault to ask for what I need. Say, I tell him I really want to eat mango but he can only gets me watermelon. Does it make him bad person for not giving me mango that I want ? No. He was meant to give me something else when I need differently. That doesn't make me mad for asking things also, I just have to ask the right person. 

Aunty June called this morning, I was scared to pick up so I called her back. Like I expected, he didn't tell Aunty June about our break up. And I had to tell her, because she was asking if I'm not going out today because Hakim is on off day. I really don't want to be the person to tell her. I haven't even tell Mama or Ika or Kodek that we broke up. But it was good to talk to someone about it. I couldn't help to cry and oh god my cracky voices. I pity myself. Lol. Eh the fact Aunty had tell me about his old girlfriend is non-muslim I was annoyed because that is not the information that I needed at the moment, and now I am mad for nothing. 

I don't wish to be with Hakim anymore, well deep down is I wanted to, but I now realised what I need in a relationship. Hakim will be with someone that can accept him for he is. And I will be with someone that can gives me my simple and peaceful and healthy relationship. I am taking things slowly because I don't want to get hurt so much. Crazy how I thought I could handle be just fine and nonchalantly go with my life like nothing happens. It was okay until it gets to the point when it triggers me and things had reminded me of him. I was okay because I avoid the path that reminds me of him. That is why. 

 I think I can finally accept that this is just the beginning of the end, it is hard for me. He really is someone that I want to live with for a long time. When the time comes I hope I am strong enough to go through like I have done before. There is this thing about love that is so painful. It is unbearable. But for now, I am trying my best to be a good partner for him. Deep down, I want to find any excuses to not to, hope he is trying too. So we don't have to do this. Separate. I think he can show more his love to me, I don't think I would asking him about that again. Am I asking too much ? All I want is, he shows me his love that I could see and feel. He being empathic in our relationship. I do not want him to provide me anything. I want him to support me emotionally and mentally. I would always be happier if I could listen to his words that make me feel loved. I wish he would tell me how he want to be loved. I have asked. He said he doesn't want to make it burden to me. I love him how can it is become a burden to me. Wholeheartedly, I would love to do anything. He has no idea how much love I could offer. I would love to love him as how he wants. Because it makes me feel happier. I make my man happy and I feel he deserves that. He should feel happy. Always be. But am I really don't know him that well ? Should I get to know him more ? It is almost a year now. I wish to gather my strengths to face this. I will continue talking here... 

frustration and realisation

One day that i feel more calm than ever, I thought I would be just fine and I will get over this. I am brave. But I have been crying again and again every single night. Let us do some calculations on how to love susu: 

1. She wants to feel safe be herself or talking to you. She will talk rubbish but that is what she feels. It doesnt have to be right or wrong to you. 

2. She loves words of affirmation better than physical touch. Tell her everything she should know, she will feel loved. Never ever judge her.

3. 

I thought this is it. This is the answer of everything. I dont deserve to be loved. I probably asked too much. I wish I was stronger. I wish he could love me as how i needed, I would always want to love however he wants me to because I love him I care for him. But how is that possible ??  I want to end everything and get over it but i too love him, really do.. I am dying 

unsent letter for my hakim

hi sayang

i am writing this out for you to read later or whenever, or never.

first, 

this is how i am since i was a kid, the way i response when im hurt is distancing myself. that is how i protect myself. it is a self defense. what i feel is probably wrong or right there's nothing in between. but that is how i am feeling at the moment. i cant control how people is going to treat me, that is on them. but i cant run from being hurt, even how much i dont want to care. the feeling is there. it exist. i put myself away, calm myself down and think through, and reflect. and i always go back to them no matter how long ive been away. that is how i do. and everything is fine now. 

second, 

when i tell you how i feel, it is not me wanting you to be responsible or be the reason i feel such. i am telling as i wanted you to know my condition. i did not tell for you to understand my feelings, you are not responsible to understand that and it is okay. my feelings could sound stupid, rubbish, nonsense or weird. it probably is. but that is my feelings not yours. i am not asking you for a solution. because nothing could change or fix how i am feeling at the moment. everybody will have their own opinions on one's feelings. 

when i tell you how i feel, it is because i want you to feel empathy, your opinion is yours. but my feelings are real and exist. when i tell you how i feel, the least you could say

'i get that you feel that way'

'i hope youre feeling better soon' 

'take your time to think through' 

simple and empathetic.

if you say those, anything like those, i would feel much safer talking to you.

you could say that or nothing at all.  

you told me wtv you were saying yesterday, made me feel my feelings do not matter to you, i am not matter to you. you invalidated my feelings. you judged me. i am questioning what am i to you. 

it does not matter to whom i feel hurt by, it does not matter but that is how i feel. and i own that feeling and i would do whatever i can to feel better. i know myself and i will do it. if distancing myself is the way then it is. 

when i said i dont care but i sounded care, i was talking about how long before, i cared so much if my friends hurt me is because they hate me and i would get scared they would leave me. now i dont care if they want to leave, because i am going to stay no matter how they hurt me, i would get hurt if they say mean things. i would get hurt still but i would not care if either they are leaving or not. i would not thinking about people is leaving anymore. that is the only thing i do not care. because i have been scared for the whole my life of people leaves me, everybody abandons me. i am scared to be alone. i didnt want to be alone.

now i am getting older, i dont want to care whos staying whos leaving. i just want to be there. either they leave or not. theyre hurting me or not. i will be there. if theyre hurting me, okay they just say mean things, sengaja or not. okay that is that. im gonna get upset, calm myself down, stay away a bit then i will be okay, go back to them again like nothings happened. 

you judging me makes me feel not safe in our relationship. i love you so much now and still want to love you the next years. i know what i want. but you doing this is not helping me. deep down i want you to not invalidating my feelings and do not think much like it is your responsible i am feeling that way.

if i tell you

'i get upset with my friends, scared if i go lepak they will say mean things to me'

what you can say

'it is okay to feel that way, i may not understand that, but you do what you can do for yourself and them, if you need solution i have an opinion you can think about' 

and i will surely say something like

'thank you for saying that, i feel better now talking to you about this, i takmo any solution but i appreciate'

then i will stop the conversation about that there. not dragging more. 

that is how to validate someone's feelings, validate doesnt mean you agree and accept what they feel. you probably tak faham what is happening to them. but that is how you can validate people's feelings.

tapi i takut dengan you, if i ask you to do that, you will think i want you to change for me. youll get upset. i only want our relationship to be safe and healthy, but if you think that is not necessary and not fair for you to change for us, i dont see this relationship will work anymore... 

my relationship with my friends will be alright because i know just what to do. 

our relationship can be alright too if we want to. 

nothing much that i want from you in our relationship kim, i dont care about hidup susah with you i dont care if we are not a perfect couple, i dont care if we rarely meet or talk. i want to support you in whatever you do if thats how it works best for us. 

 i realised i keep coming back here when i have no choice to channel out and forward my words to the person whom should im telling. 

this is for my sweetheart, my sayang, my hakim..,

when we first met, i already am falling in love with you.. when the time i thought nobody would ever love me, god sent me you. someone who cares someone who truly made me believe that i am loved. i feel loved. it is true. you make me feel good about myself. i love you and i respect for seeing something in me that i wasnt able to see in me. 

time goes by, it feels like yesterday, now i cant help to feel things i am afraid of. you're here. we rarely meet now which i understand. we barely talking much. work stress made you feel pressured. and i understand and i respect all times you need for yourself. as im busy myself. i always doa the best for you, hoping you will find your own peace. 

i have hard time talking to you as in i dont feel safe telling you my days or what i truly feel these days. because... you are not listening. you are cold all the time until you decide to not. i hate each time that i have to cry so much because you are being unfair to me. sometimes you misinterpreted what i texted you and get temper. i feel hurt and cry again but try my best to understand your situation. i cant even tell you that i miss you or you will get angry. im just telling you what i feel, i dont mean that we have to meet very now. i meant, i miss you until we meet again anytime soon but thats how i stop telling you that i miss you. because you make me feel like it is a bad thing, troublesome and childish to say that. i decide to stop. 

recently, i just realized i didnt open up much to you.. whatever happened to me i keep to myself. because you no more listening. i do this to protect myself from get hurt by you, the person i love. i havent sleep now, crying, because i read our old texts. i miss you so bad. i miss the you who calls me baby or sayang... god knows how much it hurts me, hakim. i really miss you. i feel alone in our relationships, you are so far. i wanna talk to you so bad, call, video call, watch movie. all the things we used to do. at least once a month. all i do is crying over and over. 

i once said id never ever meet you again but then we met on your brother's wedding. i dont even know if you excited meeting me that day. i wish i knew. 

sometimes i thought to end everything 

i love you hakim, you are the best thing that ever happened in my entire life. when you start to listen i will tell you that, so you will not think this is nonsense. 

A Very Handsome Rainbow

After years of investing myself onto someone who never cared about me, I finally genuinely like someone. Someone that deserves my respect. He's really funny and I have never thought that men can be this attractive. I really like talking to him, asking him questions and telling him some nonsenses of mine. It is fascinating to see someone as passionate as him on football. I wish I knew a bit about football. He is really close with his family, his parents. One time there has another guy asked me what kind of man that I feel attracted the most ? Then I said, he needs to be very close with his family, respect himself and funny. How do I not realise I was describing this particular person. Godddd I never expect to like him but here I am. I really want to know how he feels about us and I want to ask him that. I hope I get the chance to. 

Texted him today and for the first time ever, I feel so anxious and overthink how he has loose interest in me. I feel very sad. God knows how sad I am right now. For me, my beautiful dark world has become a little brighter having him around. He's like a tiny little sneaky rainbow on the brightest sky. I am going crazy. 

im dying

 im  so fucked up right now, really fucked up. ive been crying everyday for more than 2 weeks and i dont feel to get over it. i stop talking to my friends, my therapist. i stop eating my medicine. i stop feeling better. one thing that i know i get mad easily i get annoyed i pretended i am okay when i was about to explode. i hate so much that im getting older. fatter. uglier. stupider. im 26 people been treating me like im the most unattractive person ever and get worried how fucking singe i am. i didnt choose to be one. it is just 7 months since i broke up. how am i supposed to do. with my shattered heart. its wounded. bleeding still. people been thinking like marriage is one hella fucking achievement if you wanna be alive. i get annouyed. im pissed off. like it was easy. listening to unrelated songs and suddenly everythings about you. wathcing fucking good romance movie and dreaming if it is only were happened to you. or reading anything and it get to him. all the time... nobody knows how i really want to get over this and feel new again and feel better about myself. how i really want to meet someone that is boomed for me. i love the feeling of loving and caring for someone or do something for someone or appreciate him. i want to do that. but im still in pain. i cant just ignore this. i didnt love him anymore. it is over over now. im done loving the same person for years and been loyal for someone that never cared for me. someone who wanted to own me without loving me. he wanted to keep me and being with other girls. when shit didnt work between them i was his safest place to come back. i was loving him dearly. i embraced him each time he comes back, each time. though each time he hurts me he breaks me. i thought loving without being loved was enough enough. until one day the same year he left and came back to me wanted to be with me, promising me this time around he wont giving up on me he would stay. i trusted him, it was my fault entirely. i let him love me as how he wanted to. because that was new thing for me to be loved by someone ive been loving for 8 years. this is our time i said. i really thought this is it this is the time that i finally get my person. god been truly sending my favourite person as my person. i was in love really in love. he loved me. i could feel it. he broke my hearts talking some bulshits, i loved him still. he used to say "faster, ill slap you", i was shocked. he was gentleman. but theres one tiny fucky in him wanted to be bad boy like how his ex ever claimed him of. i told him that is not nice to say that to me and how much i hate it. and he said sorry and i forgave him. because i loved him. hes my person. another chances wont hurt, im not perfect so does him. i loved him still. 

we didnt meet since we first started dating because of the restriction order. one day we met. i was so nervous. i missed him i wanted hug him so bad. we spent the nights together. he spent his time with his frineds during the day, i said it is alright he gonna come back to me at the end of the day. i was truly cool about it. i really wish we had truly spend the night together, talking or laughing and stuff but iwas too late he was tired, so did i. a week after we met we talked about our days together and he asked me one thing that is really shook the hell out of my dead unknown greadparents. i want you to lose some weights, you need to lose some weight so youd be lighter than me at least. i really wanna carry you in my favourite position. he said he told he asked he demanded. i said i wont lose my weight to please you. and he said okay okay how you want it ? i really wanna do my favourite position with you uwu. i silent. i remember crying so hard, crying in the car to office, crying in the bathroom, crying at night in my room, crying everywhere when i was alone, that shits coming out from my person. i cried when he asked if ive taken my dinner yet. how dare he asked me that when he is the one who wants me to lose weight. i cried. i loved him still. so then i confronted him. i told how sad i was when he said that how he hurts me. and he said he was sorry and didnt mean to hurt me. i forgave him. i cried like crazy realising that is a red flag. but i forgave him. he hurt me i told him he hurt me and he said sorry and that is it. case closed. 

but since then, i had stopped eating. i couldnt. i was truly sad. it was probably below 500kcals i ate a day. during the whole month. until one day, that night i used his business account to look up for someone until i saw his recent search was the girl previously he loved. i was shocked. i was scared i was shaking i dont know what to do and i thought i can just ask him right away. i told him how i saw the search history of the girls name. i told him i was upset. he got mad. fucking mad. i told him i was sorry to interfere his previous life. but i told him that he was with me when he looked for her. i said it was fine, i wouldnt mind and it is fine it is normal. i said. he got mad still. he ignored me. he hated me. one day he told me he wanted to take a one week break and i said that is better we need to take a break and have a clear mind. i asked him he decided to take a break because he wants to fix the issue or he wants to delays the break up. he got mad crazy mad. he said it was pointless he was fighting for me. he said i destroyed his life. i ruined his life. i said sorry thousand times. he ignored. i said i love you i miss him, he ignored. i tryna wins his heart back. he rejected. i said i missed him he said what i can do about it we just met that day.  that that breaks my heart like in torturous way 

for the terrible one week i had alone, i was crying so hard i didnt eat at all. i believed it was fault entirely that i ruin our relationship. i decided to go sign up for psychologist appointment after 3 years avoided it from bad trauma. it was fucking hard to do but i did it anyway. it was my fault i needed to fix it. since day one of taking a break i wrote everything i wanted to tell him if we werent on a break. i wrote everthing. imagining he was there together with me. it was the hardest week for me. until the final two days before it ends, i started to feel numb from the medicine i was prescribed. i stopped crying. it was the numbness. after a week, we texted he asked how was i without him around and i said i was okay. and he get pissed and asked so you were just okay without having me then ? then i shared him notes of whatever shits i wrote during those days. you know what he said after read it ? he said thank you. i mean thank you for what ? the notes was painful, heartbreaking, struggling and feeling of longing for him and he said thank you. id thought he thanked me for the wallet i bought for him. i bought him a wallet because i wanted tp buy for him as he looks for a new one. i bought it on the same day i went to psychologist seeking help. he didnt fucking ask about how was the appointment despite knowing how i traumatised i was seeking for help for my mental health. he didnt ask a thing. i missed him so bad. i sometimes whine about how the medicine made me feel uneasy and he said its normal youre still new with it, i told him i had taken this before and it didnt work. he said that was long time ago, be patience. coldly. days passed, he once asked why i suddenly cold to him and i said something like, how can i not be when youre cold with me. and he said is it my fault ? okay everything is my faulth then !

another day gone, i saw his story received cookies from his friends with a caption thank you baby. my heart. i jokingly told him i was jealous, and he said she was a friend, shes like a sister to him, she even called him baby as well. my dear god my heart. i couldnt stand anymore. a few days after, one morning i texted him asking him to decide and he decided to end it. i said okay. he said he was sorry and asked if we can be friends still, i told him im gon decide about that. i said goodbye, at the same time he asked to buy the wallet from me. the wallet i  bought for him. i didnt reply.  

im in pain

 i want to die or maybe i dont want to but the pain is not bearable. this is no the kind of pain that i want. i get really scared of everything that will make me feel like a shit. i dont want to feel that kind of bullshit ever gain because it was sakit like hell. im fucking hate myself for being so pathetic. padan muka me. to be really honest, i am desperate to have someone that i can love. the reason i want to wake up in the morning with a stupid smile im going to wear the entire day because everything is fine because there is him. i dont mind cross the mud or go through hell with him as long as he stays and would never give up on me. i dont care if he didnt get paid enough or less than me, or has no car or wealth. i dont give a fuck at all. if i love i just love as what he is. i love those feelings. to have someone i can fight for. because that is reassurance to persuade me that i am not going to be alone. because being adopted makes me feel that everything is temporary and everybody is going to abandon me because they have no reason to stay anyway, like who the fuck am i ? bitch i am nobody. i believe they wont, but deep inside that is what im scared of. 

fucking hell

idk what had happened to my life previously, it seems sucks and still sucks. looking at my bad grammars and vocabs, not knowing what the hell i was writing about and for whom. its funny tho. i kinda like i wanna starts to write again. ill try. 

ask

ask my eyes to not look at your pictures,
ask my fingers to not texting you,
ask my mind to not thinking of you,
ask my mouth to not mention your name,
ask my imagination to not dreaming of you,
ask my heart to not love you,

anymore....

JAN 16,2011