hi sayang
i am writing this out for you to read later or whenever, or never.
first,
this is how i am since i was a kid, the way i response when im hurt is distancing myself. that is how i protect myself. it is a self defense. what i feel is probably wrong or right there's nothing in between. but that is how i am feeling at the moment. i cant control how people is going to treat me, that is on them. but i cant run from being hurt, even how much i dont want to care. the feeling is there. it exist. i put myself away, calm myself down and think through, and reflect. and i always go back to them no matter how long ive been away. that is how i do. and everything is fine now.
second,
when i tell you how i feel, it is not me wanting you to be responsible or be the reason i feel such. i am telling as i wanted you to know my condition. i did not tell for you to understand my feelings, you are not responsible to understand that and it is okay. my feelings could sound stupid, rubbish, nonsense or weird. it probably is. but that is my feelings not yours. i am not asking you for a solution. because nothing could change or fix how i am feeling at the moment. everybody will have their own opinions on one's feelings.
when i tell you how i feel, it is because i want you to feel empathy, your opinion is yours. but my feelings are real and exist. when i tell you how i feel, the least you could say
'i get that you feel that way'
'i hope youre feeling better soon'
'take your time to think through'
simple and empathetic.
if you say those, anything like those, i would feel much safer talking to you.
you could say that or nothing at all.
you told me wtv you were saying yesterday, made me feel my feelings do not matter to you, i am not matter to you. you invalidated my feelings. you judged me. i am questioning what am i to you.
it does not matter to whom i feel hurt by, it does not matter but that is how i feel. and i own that feeling and i would do whatever i can to feel better. i know myself and i will do it. if distancing myself is the way then it is.
when i said i dont care but i sounded care, i was talking about how long before, i cared so much if my friends hurt me is because they hate me and i would get scared they would leave me. now i dont care if they want to leave, because i am going to stay no matter how they hurt me, i would get hurt if they say mean things. i would get hurt still but i would not care if either they are leaving or not. i would not thinking about people is leaving anymore. that is the only thing i do not care. because i have been scared for the whole my life of people leaves me, everybody abandons me. i am scared to be alone. i didnt want to be alone.
now i am getting older, i dont want to care whos staying whos leaving. i just want to be there. either they leave or not. theyre hurting me or not. i will be there. if theyre hurting me, okay they just say mean things, sengaja or not. okay that is that. im gonna get upset, calm myself down, stay away a bit then i will be okay, go back to them again like nothings happened.
you judging me makes me feel not safe in our relationship. i love you so much now and still want to love you the next years. i know what i want. but you doing this is not helping me. deep down i want you to not invalidating my feelings and do not think much like it is your responsible i am feeling that way.
if i tell you
'i get upset with my friends, scared if i go lepak they will say mean things to me'
what you can say
'it is okay to feel that way, i may not understand that, but you do what you can do for yourself and them, if you need solution i have an opinion you can think about'
and i will surely say something like
'thank you for saying that, i feel better now talking to you about this, i takmo any solution but i appreciate'
then i will stop the conversation about that there. not dragging more.
that is how to validate someone's feelings, validate doesnt mean you agree and accept what they feel. you probably tak faham what is happening to them. but that is how you can validate people's feelings.
tapi i takut dengan you, if i ask you to do that, you will think i want you to change for me. youll get upset. i only want our relationship to be safe and healthy, but if you think that is not necessary and not fair for you to change for us, i dont see this relationship will work anymore...
my relationship with my friends will be alright because i know just what to do.
our relationship can be alright too if we want to.
nothing much that i want from you in our relationship kim, i dont care about hidup susah with you i dont care if we are not a perfect couple, i dont care if we rarely meet or talk. i want to support you in whatever you do if thats how it works best for us.