i realised i keep coming back here when i have no choice to channel out and forward my words to the person whom should im telling. 

this is for my sweetheart, my sayang, my hakim..,

when we first met, i already am falling in love with you.. when the time i thought nobody would ever love me, god sent me you. someone who cares someone who truly made me believe that i am loved. i feel loved. it is true. you make me feel good about myself. i love you and i respect for seeing something in me that i wasnt able to see in me. 

time goes by, it feels like yesterday, now i cant help to feel things i am afraid of. you're here. we rarely meet now which i understand. we barely talking much. work stress made you feel pressured. and i understand and i respect all times you need for yourself. as im busy myself. i always doa the best for you, hoping you will find your own peace. 

i have hard time talking to you as in i dont feel safe telling you my days or what i truly feel these days. because... you are not listening. you are cold all the time until you decide to not. i hate each time that i have to cry so much because you are being unfair to me. sometimes you misinterpreted what i texted you and get temper. i feel hurt and cry again but try my best to understand your situation. i cant even tell you that i miss you or you will get angry. im just telling you what i feel, i dont mean that we have to meet very now. i meant, i miss you until we meet again anytime soon but thats how i stop telling you that i miss you. because you make me feel like it is a bad thing, troublesome and childish to say that. i decide to stop. 

recently, i just realized i didnt open up much to you.. whatever happened to me i keep to myself. because you no more listening. i do this to protect myself from get hurt by you, the person i love. i havent sleep now, crying, because i read our old texts. i miss you so bad. i miss the you who calls me baby or sayang... god knows how much it hurts me, hakim. i really miss you. i feel alone in our relationships, you are so far. i wanna talk to you so bad, call, video call, watch movie. all the things we used to do. at least once a month. all i do is crying over and over. 

i once said id never ever meet you again but then we met on your brother's wedding. i dont even know if you excited meeting me that day. i wish i knew. 

sometimes i thought to end everything 

i love you hakim, you are the best thing that ever happened in my entire life. when you start to listen i will tell you that, so you will not think this is nonsense.