im so fucked up right now, really fucked up. ive been crying everyday for more than 2 weeks and i dont feel to get over it. i stop talking to my friends, my therapist. i stop eating my medicine. i stop feeling better. one thing that i know i get mad easily i get annoyed i pretended i am okay when i was about to explode. i hate so much that im getting older. fatter. uglier. stupider. im 26 people been treating me like im the most unattractive person ever and get worried how fucking singe i am. i didnt choose to be one. it is just 7 months since i broke up. how am i supposed to do. with my shattered heart. its wounded. bleeding still. people been thinking like marriage is one hella fucking achievement if you wanna be alive. i get annouyed. im pissed off. like it was easy. listening to unrelated songs and suddenly everythings about you. wathcing fucking good romance movie and dreaming if it is only were happened to you. or reading anything and it get to him. all the time... nobody knows how i really want to get over this and feel new again and feel better about myself. how i really want to meet someone that is boomed for me. i love the feeling of loving and caring for someone or do something for someone or appreciate him. i want to do that. but im still in pain. i cant just ignore this. i didnt love him anymore. it is over over now. im done loving the same person for years and been loyal for someone that never cared for me. someone who wanted to own me without loving me. he wanted to keep me and being with other girls. when shit didnt work between them i was his safest place to come back. i was loving him dearly. i embraced him each time he comes back, each time. though each time he hurts me he breaks me. i thought loving without being loved was enough enough. until one day the same year he left and came back to me wanted to be with me, promising me this time around he wont giving up on me he would stay. i trusted him, it was my fault entirely. i let him love me as how he wanted to. because that was new thing for me to be loved by someone ive been loving for 8 years. this is our time i said. i really thought this is it this is the time that i finally get my person. god been truly sending my favourite person as my person. i was in love really in love. he loved me. i could feel it. he broke my hearts talking some bulshits, i loved him still. he used to say "faster, ill slap you", i was shocked. he was gentleman. but theres one tiny fucky in him wanted to be bad boy like how his ex ever claimed him of. i told him that is not nice to say that to me and how much i hate it. and he said sorry and i forgave him. because i loved him. hes my person. another chances wont hurt, im not perfect so does him. i loved him still.
we didnt meet since we first started dating because of the restriction order. one day we met. i was so nervous. i missed him i wanted hug him so bad. we spent the nights together. he spent his time with his frineds during the day, i said it is alright he gonna come back to me at the end of the day. i was truly cool about it. i really wish we had truly spend the night together, talking or laughing and stuff but iwas too late he was tired, so did i. a week after we met we talked about our days together and he asked me one thing that is really shook the hell out of my dead unknown greadparents. i want you to lose some weights, you need to lose some weight so youd be lighter than me at least. i really wanna carry you in my favourite position. he said he told he asked he demanded. i said i wont lose my weight to please you. and he said okay okay how you want it ? i really wanna do my favourite position with you uwu. i silent. i remember crying so hard, crying in the car to office, crying in the bathroom, crying at night in my room, crying everywhere when i was alone, that shits coming out from my person. i cried when he asked if ive taken my dinner yet. how dare he asked me that when he is the one who wants me to lose weight. i cried. i loved him still. so then i confronted him. i told how sad i was when he said that how he hurts me. and he said he was sorry and didnt mean to hurt me. i forgave him. i cried like crazy realising that is a red flag. but i forgave him. he hurt me i told him he hurt me and he said sorry and that is it. case closed.
but since then, i had stopped eating. i couldnt. i was truly sad. it was probably below 500kcals i ate a day. during the whole month. until one day, that night i used his business account to look up for someone until i saw his recent search was the girl previously he loved. i was shocked. i was scared i was shaking i dont know what to do and i thought i can just ask him right away. i told him how i saw the search history of the girls name. i told him i was upset. he got mad. fucking mad. i told him i was sorry to interfere his previous life. but i told him that he was with me when he looked for her. i said it was fine, i wouldnt mind and it is fine it is normal. i said. he got mad still. he ignored me. he hated me. one day he told me he wanted to take a one week break and i said that is better we need to take a break and have a clear mind. i asked him he decided to take a break because he wants to fix the issue or he wants to delays the break up. he got mad crazy mad. he said it was pointless he was fighting for me. he said i destroyed his life. i ruined his life. i said sorry thousand times. he ignored. i said i love you i miss him, he ignored. i tryna wins his heart back. he rejected. i said i missed him he said what i can do about it we just met that day. that that breaks my heart like in torturous way
for the terrible one week i had alone, i was crying so hard i didnt eat at all. i believed it was fault entirely that i ruin our relationship. i decided to go sign up for psychologist appointment after 3 years avoided it from bad trauma. it was fucking hard to do but i did it anyway. it was my fault i needed to fix it. since day one of taking a break i wrote everything i wanted to tell him if we werent on a break. i wrote everthing. imagining he was there together with me. it was the hardest week for me. until the final two days before it ends, i started to feel numb from the medicine i was prescribed. i stopped crying. it was the numbness. after a week, we texted he asked how was i without him around and i said i was okay. and he get pissed and asked so you were just okay without having me then ? then i shared him notes of whatever shits i wrote during those days. you know what he said after read it ? he said thank you. i mean thank you for what ? the notes was painful, heartbreaking, struggling and feeling of longing for him and he said thank you. id thought he thanked me for the wallet i bought for him. i bought him a wallet because i wanted tp buy for him as he looks for a new one. i bought it on the same day i went to psychologist seeking help. he didnt fucking ask about how was the appointment despite knowing how i traumatised i was seeking for help for my mental health. he didnt ask a thing. i missed him so bad. i sometimes whine about how the medicine made me feel uneasy and he said its normal youre still new with it, i told him i had taken this before and it didnt work. he said that was long time ago, be patience. coldly. days passed, he once asked why i suddenly cold to him and i said something like, how can i not be when youre cold with me. and he said is it my fault ? okay everything is my faulth then !
another day gone, i saw his story received cookies from his friends with a caption thank you baby. my heart. i jokingly told him i was jealous, and he said she was a friend, shes like a sister to him, she even called him baby as well. my dear god my heart. i couldnt stand anymore. a few days after, one morning i texted him asking him to decide and he decided to end it. i said okay. he said he was sorry and asked if we can be friends still, i told him im gon decide about that. i said goodbye, at the same time he asked to buy the wallet from me. the wallet i bought for him. i didnt reply.